Post Traumatic What?
I quite honestly thought that most reported “severe PTSD” symptoms were Bull$h1t… I was Phuckin Wrong.
Man, Oh Man… Am I Screwed Up!
So here’s the rundown:
Yes it’s true, I was arrested for this heinous phuckin crime, And No, the accusations are not true, I didn’t do this heinous phuckin crime but whatever, I hope it washes out in court, at any rate, I was arrested in early April of this year and tossed in Jail where the Sheriff’s Deputies that run the place first threw me in a cell for what I’m pretty sure was somewhere in the neighborhood of 36 or 48 hours without any water (except for what I assumed was urine on the floor) and about a 48″ hard bench…
As luck wold have it I was also running a 101 fever on the day I was arrested (probably the Flu) and of course there is still that L-5 / S-1 disc I have that’s blown out like a bad tire… I wasn’t doing so good in the first place and then I guess it was somewhere in Day 2 I started pissing blood… Or maybe that was later? Hell… IDK… Time got pretty screwed up in my head.
Anyway, and then:
Three of them (Sheriff’s Deputies) dropped by the cell (I don’t know 18 to 24 hrs in) to let me know I would not be leaving their Jail alive… One of them was wearing pantyhose on his arms and I’m still wondering what that’s about, one of the others had a ’70s Porn Star mustache (really)… Anyway for the next I’m guessing 5 days they proceeded to knock the $hit out of me every time I was out of a cell.
I was pretty confused right from the start because quite truthfully I was not sure what exactly I had been arrested for or who my accuser(s) were until (I guess it was day 5) I was tossed on a bus before sunrise and hours later and was limped into a courtroom… And found out my 13 and 15 year old kids were taken into custody as well. And they gave me some documents… And folks let me tell you MY MIND WAS BLOWN. Court was continued so I was, cuffed, tossed loose in the back of a van and driven back for another beatdown in the parking garage before they stuck me back in a cell.
I guess it was the middle of the night on Day 6 I was told to “roll it up” for what I figured was my final day on this planet alive, my back was so phucked at this point I could barely drag the mattress and when I was told to put it on this shelf I found it impossible to lift… So this deputy came out to help and gave me a quick right upper cut to the jaw… Yeah, I wasn’t ready and I bit through my tongue… My thought was okay, I’m done for but there was no follow up and then I was down this hall and they were giving me back my street clothes. I really couldn’t figure out what was going on and if anyone had told me I couldn’t hear it because my ears had been ringing for days.
It wasn’t until I was in the parking lot that I figured out that for whatever reason some people put together FIFTY PHUCKIN GRAND $$$ and a Half Million Dollar Bond was posted… Holy $h!t... I couldn’t have imagined that everyone I knew put together could come up with that kind of cash in a year.
My wife was there to pick me up, she explained some $h!t to me about bail and that I was to be in court at the Juvenile Justice Center in a few hours (so they could terminate my parental rights I found out later)… Rather than letting her drive me to a friends house to crash I had her take me to my car, grab me some clothes and a few bucks I had stashed. My head was already getting a little weird… I drove to a restaurant where I was met by an old friend… He tried to get me to eat but I couldn’t really because I had just been punched in the mouth and my tongue was pretty phucked up… I split and drove,my chain smoking self to Starbucks where I changed my clothes and then drove to court where they let me know I was no longer a parent… I went numb.
Days later, I don’t know how many, I was still sick as a dog (whatever that really means), pissing blood and all I could hear was ringing… That and I had a touch of paranoia so I did the next indicated thing, I spent a couple of hundred bucks on a pair of boots… Not just any boots:
I was as confused by it then as I am now… I mean I quit wearing boots yeas ago and opted for Vans skate shoes and Oxfords for work but here I was in big black boots, all of the rest of April and the beginning of May was confusing and blurred, things seemed to get a bit better after my two older kids were literally torn from the jaws of HSA and Child Protective Services by my lovely (and heroic) wife and I was appointed counsel (mean bitch dragon lady lawyer) and an investigator team but I guess I was wrong.
Well screw it I don’t feel much like sleeping anyway…Sometimes They’re killing me, sometimes They’re killing the kids… Hell sometimes I win, and I’m killing them (or just burying their plastic wrapped mangled body in a shallow muddy grave)… The nightmares began in a way that I honest to god couldn’t tell if I was dreaming or awake, I mean really, they can just as easily be hallucinations I’m having laying in bed. You know how you have dreams you can’t really remember when you wake up? Well I can’t remember waking up but then I figure out I’m awake and I can’t breathe. I’ve now got up and run out of the hose I’m staying at and locked myself in the car about 20 times… Sometimes I take off and drive but usually I just sit there and smoke until I can get a grip.
Decoupling of the Mind (loosing my $hit)
The real trouble is when I’m honestly and for real awake and out there with all of you and then bang… I freak… No, not freak like hooting and hollering, just everything shuts off… Nothing seems real, like I’m in the middle of a movie with a phucked up audio track and horribly misspelled subtitles… I can’t make sense out of what I’m hearing and seeing. This keeps happening for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on and I end up for hours with scattered bits and pieces of thoughts about getting arrested, locked up blah, blah, blah, going in circles in my head and I’ve got no way to stop it. And then I’m not sure if I’m “loosing time”, maybe it’s just the lack of sleep but every now an again I’m surprised to find myself here or there and wondering how I got there.
… I’m a little hostile (okay, REALLY HOSTILE) sometimes as well, not angry, just cold.
Drawing A Blank
So I’m sitting on the edge of the bed putting on my boots (Yes the Face Stomping Red Wings) thinking about my 4 kids and there are tears running down my face because my kids (15, 13, 7 and 5 years old) are so terribly miserable… I know that I’m profoundly sad and I’m crying, literally pouring tears… But I can’t feel it at all. My wife will come to spend some time with me, I look at her and I know to the core that here we are 9 years later and I’m still stupid happy in love with her, but I can’t feel that either. I’m totally devoid of feeling, not always, it floods in like flipping on a radio to find the volume is turned up to 11, but it blanks out again.
And… I’m angry, actually I’m really phuckin pissed off at someone I used to love, phuck someone I sweat bullets and bled over for years, so angry as a matter of fact that I *hate them (See Below: *HATE) but I can’t feel that either… Just flat no feeling intellectual, cold Which bring me to: You Stupid Little Psychotic Dip$hit Bitch… I’m not the one you hurt.
Here is a Public Domain document on PTSD I scrapped:
It is normal to have stress reactions after a traumatic event. Your emotions and behavior can change in ways that are upsetting to you. Even though most people have stress reactions following a trauma, they get better in time. But, you should seek help if symptoms:
- last longer than three months
- cause you great distress
- disrupt your work or home life
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
Symptoms of PTSD may disrupt your life and make it hard to continue with your daily activities. You may find it hard just to get through the day.
There are four types of PTSD symptoms:
- Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms)
Memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. For example:
- You may have nightmares.
- You may feel like you are going through the event again. This is called a flashback.
- You may see, hear, or smell something that causes you to relive the event. This is called a trigger. News reports, seeing an accident, or hearing a car backfire are examples of triggers.
- Avoiding situations that remind you of the event
You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event. For example:
- You may avoid crowds, because they feel dangerous.
- You may avoid driving if you were in a car accident or if your military convoy was bombed.
- If you were in an earthquake, you may avoid watching movies about earthquakes.
- You may keep very busy or avoid seeking help because it keeps you from having to think or talk about the event.
- Negative changes in beliefs and feelings
The way you think about yourself and others changes because of the trauma. This symptom has many aspects, including the following:
- You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.
- You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
- You may think the world is completely dangerous, and no one can be trusted.
- Feeling keyed up (also called hyperarousal)
You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. You might suddenly become angry or irritable. This is known as hyperarousal. For example:
- You may have a hard time sleeping.
- You may have trouble concentrating.
- You may be startled by a loud noise or surprise.
- You might want to have your back to a wall in a restaurant or waiting room.
What should I do if I have symptoms of PTSD?
PTSD symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event. But for some people, they may not happen until months or years after the trauma. Symptoms may come and go over many years. So, you should keep track of your symptoms and talk to someone you trust about them. If you have symptoms that last longer than 4 weeks, cause you great distress, or disrupt your work or home life, you probably have PTSD. You should seek professional help from a doctor or counselor.
*HATE is a very strong word in my book… A word I generally reserve for people I’d prefer were not among the living .