Duck vs the Madman Part 2
At 17, it seemed to me that the solution to all my problems was to change my attitude and the way I looked at things… That in itself I suppose is a pretty mature thing to occur to a 17 year old… Trouble was I discovered that drugs would do this with little effort on my part and this is the story of how far perspective can be changed with hallucinogens like LSD.
How the Duck Infestation Began.
I had never taken LSD before but I’d heard a lot about it and it seemed straight forward enough so I set out and procured a sheet of ‘Blotter”… It was basically a piece of paper perforated into 1/4 postage stamp sized chits and had a picture of Mr. Natural printed on it… After being assured by my freaky friend it was the good stuff I bought it and tore one of the little pieces off and chewed it up… About 45 minutes later I felt exactly the same and figuring the dose must have been too small I chewed up two more and waited… Nothing. Guessing now my good old freaky friend sold me bunk acid I decided that the stuff must be weak or something, so… I went ahead and chewed up the whole sheet of blotter… Oops… One vital bit of information: LSD can take several hours to take effect.
Don’t Panic… Do… Not… Panic.
Many hours later… It could have been a day or two, I looked at myself in the rear view mirror of my 1971 For Galaxy and my eyes were on fire blue… They looked like little planets spinning in my head… It was then I decided to skip going surfing, and went to hunt down some of my friends instead… I was certain it was a bad idea for me to be alone… I couldn’t stop laughing… And I couldn’t stop thinking about the ducks… As luck would have it my friends were looking for me as well and I was found.
Perko’s Koffee Kup
I saw the top hat jumping up and down and Blondie waving his arms as I cruised the Galaxy down Main St…. I picked up Blondie and Dino and they decided it was best that I continued to drive… Had I not been frying on Acid I supposed I should have had one of them drive because by that point the car was blowing the stripes off of the road like confetti and it as getting difficult for me to focus on what was ahead of us. Blondie said food… Dino said Perko’s Koffe Kup… I pointed the Galaxy in the direction I thought Fillmore was in and stopped in Santa Paula to pick up Guy… Somehow we wound up at a table in the weird little coffee shop. The waitress came to take our order but it was the coffee pot that was talking… Dino and Blondie were having an argument and Blondie said to Dino “Why don’t you just Melt”… All that was left was Dino’s top hat in a puddle. Had it not been for Guy the whole thing probably would have devolved into chaos, but somehow we managed to order some food.
A little while later I took off one of my boots and threw it across the restaurant… Blondie screamed DUCK! and a man turned to look just in time for the boot to hit his square in the face.
6 FOOT TALL DUCK!!!! …. I KNEW IT!!!! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!! … We made our escape.
The hallucinations raged on and there was no sign of them abating in any way even after what I had estimated to be 3 days… My overwhelming thought (aside from the sinister ducks that had been following me) was “How am I ever going to work like this?”
The Mad Man vs The Duck or The President is a Chimp
The duck had the madman pined down, oh what he would have given for an escape plan but alas the back door was barricaded and under guard by the nymphomaniac waitress with fire engine red lipstick.
Lewis Carol threw the dice but this time it wasn’t just more Orcs, there came high tones and low tones… The Ride of the Valkyries… This isn’t D&D this is Apocalypse then!
As a 17th Level Magic user, the Madman thought to cast a fire ball spell, but it didn’t work on helicopters… And then came a bright idea… Leaping to his feet, he cast a Feeble Mind spell on the entire world… Sadly this worked and Bonzo is the President of the United States now.
This Angered the Madman, and in his bent state, he took his boot and propelled it towards the fast approaching Duck… Someone screamed: “DUCK!” and the Duck turned to look just it time to catch the boot in the face.
And the Story to the Moral is: Whenever a Madman throws a boot: Duck!
Apocalypse Then – Copyright © 1981 all rights reserved
I May Still be Frying on Acid
When I look at the world around me today and what’s going on in it… This is the simplest conclusion: I’m still hallucinating… The LSD never wore off and I’ve just gotten used to it.
I mean… Take a look around, wouldn’t that make sense?…
It’s the only logical explanation for reality TV, Rap Music, Skinny Jeans and the Hipster Movement… It can’t be for real, nobody in their right mind would come up with this $h1t… And how the heck do all these idiots that have been throwing us under the bus for the past 30 years keep getting elected to public office?
At least I hope I’m still hallucinating.