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The Demokratik Republik of Kalifornia

Do you ever get the feeling that something is wrong?

Cigarettes… A Comprehensive Review

Cigarettes | Smoking Tobacco

   Some time ago, there was this genius that said: “Okay this is what we’re gonna do: You know that plant the bugs won’t even eat?… We’re going to take those and grind them up… Then we roll it up in a paper tube… We light one end of the paper tube on fire… And then suck on the other end…” Well, I must say this guy was truly not right in the head… Or was he?

Dear Faithful Reader, If you know me at all, you know I have struggled with addiction and insanity for many years and for the most part I have overcome but I must admit Nicotine has kicked my a$$ in the quitting department… I have been smoking Cigarettes now for about 33 years and if there is any product I am qualified to review it would be Tobacco.

The original Title of this Review was to be:  “Crackers Don’t Smoke Kools and Plooking Babes in the Halls”… With a sub title of:  “How Humphrey Bogart Finally Got Me Laid in High School”.  However even in my bent state I knew this wouldn’t go over.

Product Review: Cigarettes

Camel Cigarettes

Camel Cigarettes Ad
Camel Cigarettes

Camel Cigarettes are perhaps the best well known brand the world over and is the brand I started smoking at 14. Had I known then what I know now about smoking I would have started with Camel Filters and then worked my way up to Camel Straights but that’s not how it happened. Just like the packaging would imply with a desert scene and all… Camels are dry and harsh. If you want that rattling raspy voice like all the tough guys in the mobster movies (or like Lauren Bacall if you happen to be of the fairer sex) These are what you want to smoke. As for Nicotine stained fingers, with Camel Straights, the weird orange color develops quickly and is damn near impossible to remove with regular washing.

 

 

Lucky Strike – LSMFT

Lucky Strikes Cigarettes - LSMFT
Lucky Strikes Cigarettes – LSMFT

Lucky Strikes are another classic and a little less popular than the Camels… Therefore unusual and subsequently will make you seem to be more independent of the crowd… A rugged individualistic. LSMFT… Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco… I don’t know what the hell they are talking about because these things are nasty… Nasty… They have a weird tickling burn to them and a finish that is like letting an aspirin melt in your mouth. These also get high grades for Nicotine stains.

Another very similar brand is Chesterfields but you don’t want to be caught smoking those unless you are homosexual, then they are cool … I mean “Chesterfields”  the name just rings queer.

 

 

Winston Tastes Good Like a Cigarette Should

Winston Cigarettes Taste Like...
Winston Cigarettes Taste Like $h!t

Winstons tastes like burning twigs and news paper, there is also something about them that reminds me of going to the dentist… Kind of  like that crap they spray in your mouth just before they jab the needle into your gums, but at least they aren’t Cowboy Killers… Who want’s to smoke something associated with pointed toe boots, stupid hats and saddle rash?

Nasty as they are, they got the job done and at the time, this was a very popular brand and were easy to bum off your friends. Winston also has a nice ring to it… Not too swish and not too macho at the same time… Great image for the chicks.

 

 

Bugler – Roll Your Own

Reminds me of jail… I don’t want to talk about it. I won’t be reviewing Kools here for similar reasons.

 

Marlboro

Marlboro - Cowboy Killer Cigarettes
Marlboro Cigarettes – Cowboy Killers

 

  Marlboros are for sure the most popular Nicotine delivery system world wide.  It wasn’t until the late 80’s that I caved in and started smoking Cowboy Killers. Marlboro cigarettes are not as “dry” as Camels and are by far smoother than Winston, Lucky Strikes or Pall Malls (Pall Malls didn’t even rate high enough to get a review here).

When you slip a pack of these out of your pocket and light one up it just screams “Tough guy… Totally unafraid of death”.

Marlboro packs a punch and they burn down fast… I’m not sure how they do it, but these babies fire up that nicotine addiction without quite satisfying it… Chain smoking here we come. After a while I had to begin chewing Nicotine Gum as a supplement.

I smoked Marlboro for quite a long time… Not so much out of brand loyalty as it was the only thing that would do… Not only was I totally addicted to nicotine there were no other cigs that could keep up…

Until one day…

American Spirit Cigarettes 

American Spirit Blue
American Spirit’s Blue – Everlasting Gobstopper of Cigarettes

Smoking – The Ultimate Slow Suicide.

A friend of mine dropped by one day after surfing to see if I wanted to speak at an AA meeting that night ( I guess that the main speaker was unable to make it)… As we were standing in front of the shop discussing this I whipped out my pack of Cowboy killers and he stopped me…

 “Here… Try one of Mine” He said with a wicked smile… My buddy Polly-Wog removed this swimming pool blue pack of cigarettes from the side pocket of his board shorts… Flipped the top and drew one out… I lit it up.

As my bud continued on about when he would pick me up for the meeting I hadn’t quite agreed to give a pitch at I drew in the smoke…

   Hard to drag on but smooth like very finely ground glass… Just the right amount of bite.

Polly-Wog could talk a lot but like every Southern California Surf Rat he talked slow.

  It was dreamy, I could feel the drug entering my blood stream… I looked down at this smoke and it was less than half gone… Wait… How long have I been smoking this? At least 2 Cowboy Killers worth… 

Finally… After all these years I have found “My Brand”.

If you smoke you are for sure… Not Right in the head.

It’s true that Non-Smokers are nasty self riotous A$$holes that just can’t seem to lay off… And really they should be nicer to us smokers (especially considering we’re going to die young and all)  however…

We are responsible for being tagged as Social Outcasts… We walk the earth behaving like the world is our ashtray. I see the parking lot here in the dump I live in littered with cigarette buts and even I find it disgusting. So if you are going to kill yourself smoking think before you fire up… Not everyone wants to die young, so go stand down wind.

8 thoughts on “Cigarettes… A Comprehensive Review

  1. D!

    That was absolutely BRILLIANT!

    Wish you had a “like” button for me to click on!

    Your buddy,
    Roberteaux

  2. I don’t think smoking is sexy at all and the way the tobacco companies glamorize it in their advertising makes me ill.

    I would really like to see you review smoking cessation products and methods.

  3. I quit after 50 years. Not easy but it has now been 6 months. It’s true I would smoke your tennis shoes, if I could find a way to keep them lit, but 6 months is 6 months..

  4. THANK YOU! What a great read this is and the message you sent is most sublime. I hope that you do not have to review lung cancer in the future. I hope that you will be able to quit before that happens 🙁 because you are a great writer with a very unique blogging style and vibe.

    1. Well ZE… I’ve quit smoking, it’s been a little over three years now… I’ll hopefully get to writing about that adventure (Madman VS The Duck Part IX – Nicotine Wars).

      BTW… Thank you for saying nice stuff about my writing but, I know it’s $h!

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